My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
