drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
