If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
