is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
