It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
