i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
