mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
