I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
