remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
