yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
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God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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