I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
