I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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