so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just invented taco cereal.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
