We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
