Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Two words: blizzard sex
I lost the right to judge tonight
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
