I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
