dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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