I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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