Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
