Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
