i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
