i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
