Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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