the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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