Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
