he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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