I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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