I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
