SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
