you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
