I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
