The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
