ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
