I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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