i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just puked most of my soul out..
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
