You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
