So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They have beer where we have blood.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
