im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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