you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's official drugs can't kill me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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