I want to have your abortion
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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