UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
