I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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