I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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