I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
