Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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