Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
