Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
