When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
