Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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