Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
