So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
