i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
