are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
