I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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