Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
